Relationships

Few things promise us greater happiness than our relationships – yet few things more reliably deliver misery and frustration

Both Romantic and Classical orientations have important truths to impart. Neither is wholly right or wrong. They need to be balanced. And none of us are in any case ever simply one or the other. But because a good relationship requires a judicious balance of both, at this point in history, it might be the Classical attitude whose distinctive claims and wisdom we need to listen to most intently. It is a mode of approaching life which is ripe for rediscovery

Very few of us come out well from being closely observed, twenty-four hours a day, in a limited space. These may simply not be the preconditions for getting the best out of some of us. Our interesting and generous sides may need, in order to emerge, our own bedroom and bathroom, quite a few hours to ourselves, some space to read and think and a series of mealtimes alone staring rather blankly out of the
window without having to explain how we feel. It’s not a sign of evil, just what we require to be the best version of ourselves.

– What makes people difficult and dooms relationships is almost never the people involved. It’s what we are trying to do with them. Inviting someone to marry you is really not a very kind thing to do to someone you love, because it’s going to drag the beloved into a range of really rather unpleasant and challenging things: doing the accounts with you, meeting your family regularly, seeing you exhausted and bleary-eyed after work, keeping the living room tidy, bringing up a child. To really love someone – that is, to wish the best for someone – might more fairly mean foregrounding your best qualities for a few ecstatic months, then mutually and tenderly parting at check-in

When two people know they don’t own one another, they are extremely careful to earn each other’s respect on a daily basis. Knowing someone could leave us at any time isn’t only grounds for insecurity, it’s a constant catalyst for tender appreciation

Inviting someone to marry you is really not a very kind thing to do to someone you love

Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too … Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy

, adultery is a lightning conductor of indignation

It’s very rare to maintain sexual interest in only one person, however much one loves them, beyond a certain time.

– It’s entirely possible to love one’s partner and regularly want to have sex with strangers, and frequently types with nothing particularly to recommend them.

– One can be kind, respectable and democratic and at the same time want to flog, hurt and humiliate
a sexual partner, or be on the receiving end of very rough treatment.

– It’s highly normal to have bisexual and incestuous fantasies – and to want to explore extreme taboos involving illegal, violent, hurtful and unsanitary scenarios.

– It may be easier to be excited by someone one dislikes or thinks nothing of than by someone one loves

A crush represents in pure and perfect form the dynamics of the Romantic philosophy: the explosive interaction of limited knowledge, outward obstacles to further discovery – and boundless hope.

We might also try out an exercise of fleshing out some sequences:

When I am anxious in our relationship, I tend to …

You tend to respond by …, which makes me …

When we argue, on the surface I show …, but inside I feel …

The more I …, the more you …, and then the more I …