I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck

Getting Out of Douche Territory
1. Prove Nothing
We posture because we want to prove something. What we have. Who we know. How rich, smart, and jacked we are. The intention/action of trying to announce it to the world is what makes us come off as a douche. We are tap-dancing and saying, “Look at me because I’m better than you.” And that’s what makes us come off as a douche: the message that we are better. Truly confident people don’t need to prove anything. They focus on giving their value instead of announcing it.
Also, it’s a shit ton of wasted energy. If you’re always trying to prove something, you are not being your true self. Like love and hate, you can’t do both at the same time. So if you’re in proving mode, you are not in your authentic-self mode, which means you are maneuvering at a lower potential. You are not all that you can be.
What if you didn’t feel the need to prove anything? What would that look like in your everyday life? How would that change your dialogue, behavior, attitude, and energy?
2. Be a Student
When we believe we know something is when we stop learning. Deciding to be a student instantly takes us off the stage and into the classroom of life. This is where humility lives. But, more importantly, growth as well. Of course you know things. You may be an expert in your field. But if you approach everything as if you’re learning it for the first time, you will be more open, curious, and likable. Judgment and ego shrink, you go from narrow to wide, and learning and becoming a better version of you become natural and effortless.
It doesn’t matter if you’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a teacher, a coach, a film director. The best leaders are teachers, and teachers see themselves as students. So what would it look like to approach your day as a student? At work. With your craft. With love. How would that change your dialogue, behavior, attitude, and energy?
3. Turn Your Dial to Give
When we call attention to ourselves, we are not giving. We are taking. We are seeking approval and validation. We want something from others. True giving means sharing you and your gifts without wanting anything back. This is when you are the most powerful.
Many times, we think we’re giving when we’re actually taking. For example, making a grand gesture by picking up the check and announcing “I got it” in front of the entire table is very different from discreetly paying without anyone knowing. You may think you’re giving, but you’re actually taking.
What would it look like to turn your dial from Take to Give? What would that look like at work? In your relationships. With your partner. What would it look like to not make it about you in your words, actions, attitude, and energy?
If you have nothing to prove, you’re a student of life, and you keep your dial on Give, you don’t have to sell your Ferrari.

Being a douche is like turning on a black light that exposes your insecurities.

Although it may feel empowering, this behavior does nothing but announce our insecurity. And everyone knows it. They talk about us. Word spreads. When I play back my life, my douchery was the most prevalent when I felt the most insecure. Being a douche is like turning on a black light that exposes your insecurities.

Here are some examples of douche behavior: Purchasing a bright yellow Ferrari because you can, not because you’re a car enthusiast but because you like making a big scene wherever you roll up. Being a dick to the elderly or children. Checking yourself in every reflection. Offensive tattoos meant for attention. Super-crunchy hair. Not controlling your alcohol intake. Groping women. Starting fights with men because you know some form of martial arts. Fake bake. Teeth that glow in the dark. Sporting sunglasses indoors. Controlling your partner. Being the loudest voice in the room, on purpose. Flavored condoms. Animal cruelty. Pulling in front of the car that cut you off and slamming on your brakes. Not tipping. Tossing your keys at the valet guy instead of just handing them to him. Way too much cologne. Demanding to speak to the restaurant manager in front of your company. V-necks that meet at your belly button. Refusing to turn down your car stereo while people are trying to have a conversation. Being creepy. Riding motorcycles that set off car alarms. Bullying. Cursing and using graphic sexual language in front of women. Overtipping to impress others. Ghosting. Asking people you don’t know well how much money they make. Telling people you don’t know how much money you make. Screaming like you’re giving birth while you’re working out. Walking across the street when everyone else is waiting for the Walk light except you. Road rage. Driving recklessly. Going halves on the check on the first date when you asked him or her out. Talking over people. Being an asshole to your parents. Belching in public. Putting people down. Talking shit about others. Name-dropping. Asking your partner about her sexual history because you’re “just curious,” then judging her for it. Treating your employees like shit. Using your job position to sexually harass.

What was your reaction the last time someone broke up with you? Did you assassinate her character? Talk shit about her to your friends? Demand that she return the couch you bought her? What about when the server messed up your dinner order? When someone cut you off on the road? Took your parking space? What did you do? Flip them off? Curse them out? Yes, that comes from anger. More accurately, from not being able to control your anger. But that anger comes from feeling like a victim. Someone did something to you. Took something from you. A relationship? A parking spot? Time? Love? Self-worth?

Definitions Matter.
Definitions are your starting line. You cannot make the jump from boy to man without defining things for yourself and taking pride in your definitions. It isn’t about adopting my definitions, though; it’s about creating your own. Throughout this book I’ll ask you to define words for yourself: “vulnerability,” “compassion,” “douche,” etc. Creating clear definitions will allow you to better understand whether you are being the version of yourself that you want to be, or whether you are falling short of your expectations.

ut when it comes to being a man, freedom is not given. It is earned, by being responsible. You choose to be responsible first. You show up to work when you don’t feel like it. You put in the hours when you’re tired. You plan date night when you don’t feel romantic. You call your parents because they matter. You express how you feel even though you don’t want to. You practice self-care even though it’s hard because you’re not used to it. Through the action of being responsible, trust is built. When you have trust, you have freedom. You have earned it. But if you always choose freedom over responsibility, you will be breaking trust. Not only with others but with yourself. You won’t trust that you can build anything, whether it be an empire or a marriage. You will be doing only what feels good and easy in the moment, and that is my definition of a boy. Not a man. Of course, all of this hangs on my definition of man. It may not be yours. But that is why our definitions are so important. They shape us.

Do Choose Responsibility over Freedom
I was working out with my friend Justin this morning. Justin is the father of two daughters. He also loves working out. He claims that no matter how shit-faced he has gotten the night before or how much sleep he didn’t get or what life has thrown at him, he never misses a workout. For him, working out is freedom from his responsibilities. He always gets that in.
A while back, we were only a quarter of the way done with his favorite workout when he told me he had to leave. Surprised, I asked him where he was going. He said he had to go pick up his daughter. But not in a “Shit, I gotta go,” complaining way. It was very matter-of-fact. It was a choice. A decision that was made. A line was drawn, with no looking back.
I understand it’s just a workout, but if you know Justin like I know Justin, that workout is everything. Nevertheless, he chose responsibility over freedom. There was no hesitation. He could have called his wife or paid the babysitter to stay longer. However, in his mind, picking up his daughter was his duty. It was important to him that he do it and that he not show up late.
I think about this moment with Justin often. I think about it because when I put myself in Justin’s position, I find myself wondering if I would have done the same thing. I might have figured out a way to finish my “freedom.” I would have convinced myself that it’s not a big deal. I pick up my daughter every day. She can wait ten minutes. But it’s not about the ten minutes. It’s about your definition of a man. Or in this case, a father. By Justin’s actions, we know very well what his definition of a father is. It’s clear-cut, black-and-white: responsibility over

Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. But men who walk with mirrors are true leaders.

If vulnerability is soil, self-awareness is the seeds we plant for growth. Everything starts with self-awareness. We all have a veneer, an outside shell that has been formed by society, advertising, parents, and old blueprints, and we use this shell to protect ourselves.