Difficult Conversations

make conversations productive, especially in a context of strong emotion, high stakes, and complex perceptions, a critical first step is to distinguish clearly between facts on the one hand, and opinions, assumptions, values, interests, predictions, and judgments on the other.

Sometimes what’s difficult about the situation has a whole lot more to do with what’s going on inside you than what’s going on between you and the other person. In that case, a conversation focused on the interaction isn’t going to be very illuminating or productive, at least until you’ve had a longer conversation with yourself.

How Do I Know I’ve Made the Right Choice?

The more prepared you are for how the other person might react, the less surprised you’ll be.

dismissing the feelings that the other person is experiencing in the moment is disastrous.

Just as you can’t change another person, you can’t control their reaction — and you shouldn’t try.

Just as you can’t change another person, you can’t control their reaction — and you shouldn’t try.

“My sense is that you and I see this situation differently. I’d like to share how I’m seeing it, and learn more about how you’re seeing it.”

When we jump into conversations we typically begin inside our story. We describe the problem from our own perspective and, in doing so, trigger just the kinds of reactions we hope to avoid. We begin from precisely the place the other person thinks is causing the problem.

certainty to curiosity, from debate to exploration, from simplicity to complexity, from “either/or” to “and.”