Richard Osman

‘I’d welcome a burglar. It would be nice to have a visitor.’

‘God save us from window locks, WPC De Freitas.’

‘It’s just PC now,’ says Donna.

‘I see,’ says Elizabeth, lips pursing. ‘And what happens if I still choose to say WPC? Will there be a warrant for my arrest?’

‘No, but I’ll think a bit less of you,’ says Donna. ‘Because it’s a really simple thing to do, and it’s more respectful to me.’

‘Damn! Checkmate. OK,’ says Elizabeth, and unpurses her lips.

‘Don’t be taken in by Joyce, PC De Freitas. She is the type who “gets things done”.’

‘I’m just organized,’ says Joyce. ‘It’s out of fashion. If I say I’m going to Zumba, I go to Zumba. That’s just me.

Ibrahim agrees. ‘I don’t think friends is the word. We wouldn’t choose to socialize, we have very different interests. I like Ron, I suppose, but he can be very difficult.’

Ron nods, ‘I’m very difficult.’

‘And Elizabeth’s manner is off-putting.’

Elizabeth nods, ‘There it is I’m afraid. I’ve always been an acquired taste. Since school.’

‘I like Joyce, I suppose. I think we all like Joyce,’ says Ibrahim.

It was billed as ‘Britain’s First Luxury Retirement Village’, though according to Ibrahim, who has checked, it was actually the seventh.

It was booked, and still is booked, under the name Japanese Opera – A Discussion, which ensured they were always left in peace.

I would never have therapy, because who wants to unravel all that knitting? Not worth the risk, thank you.

We all have a sob story, but we don’t all go around killing people.

I found out that the famous trade union leader Ron Ritchie lived in the village when he and Penny’s husband, John, nursed an injured fox back to health and called it Scargill. The story had featured in the village newsletter when I first arrived. Given that John had been a vet and Ron was, well, Ron, I suspected that John had done the nursing and Ron had simply been on naming duties.

‘So I’m just wondering. You ready for something bigger, you think?’

‘Sure,’ says Bogdan.

‘A lot bigger, though?’ says Ian.

‘Sure,’ says Bogdan. ‘Big is the same as small. There’s just more of it.’