Bad Sex

When their parents die, the eldest two teens -- Jack and Julia –- take on the role of de facto parents to their younger siblings. But that's not the only role they play...

Looking for 'Bad Sex'? This title is about as bad as it gets.

"It was wide and hard, foam rubber over steel, and he kneaded it, digging his fingers in. She groaned in his ear and tugged him onto his back."

Hmm...

Things not to do: describe a girl as a piece of fungi.

"With the skirts of the dress spread out around her, Creta Kano, riding atop me, looking like a soft, gigantic mushroom that had silently poked its face up through the dead leaves on the ground and opened under the sheltering wings of night."

Ways to kill a mood:

"She confiscated the zapper and slid my hand between her thighs. It was wet and warm down there, which was only to be expected, but she might just as well have deposited my hand on a pizza for all the effect it had."

"I reached under her. I brought her up to me. And then my body, like a cathedral, broke out into ringing. The hunchback in the belfry had jumped and was swinging madly on the rope."

"Her thighs went rigid and her ankles locked tighter around his waist as her body convulsed in deep, milking clasps on his manhood. His man-seed exploded into her womb, and Selik saw all the colors of the most beauteous rainbow behind his eyelids."

The worst sex passage involves an anus somewhat likened as a blinking eye. It's too cringeworthy - you'll have to find it yourself.

FRONT PALOR AND BACK DOOR.

"She took him by the wrist and moved the base of his hand into her pubic hair until his middle fingertip settled on the no-man's-land between her 'front parlor' and 'back door' (those were the quaint, prudish terms of her girlhood), she got him on the node between neighbouring needs."

Everything was going well until Nancy Huston brought in animals to describe the intensity of pleasure.

"He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs, oh the sheer ecstasy of lips and tongues on genitals, either simultaneously or in alternation, never will I tire of that silvery fluidity, my sex swimming in joy like a fish in water."

Sex can be sometimes dramatic, but they'll never beat this one out-of-the-world experience.

"Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes, and with it the sea and the sands — only Karun's body, locked with mine, remains. We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice."

"I slowly tugged her blouse out of her skirt, slowly stroked her soft, flat stomach, then calmly moved my hand upward, slipping beneath the satin of her bra to find her breast, until my fingers encountered a well-defined nipple which I began playfully wiggling back and forth."

Classic example of making something so complicated you don't know what is being described.

"The tips of her inner lips protruded shyly from the vertical cleft."

In which the protagonist mistakes his lover for a lamp.

"When his hand brushed her nipple it tripped a switch and she came alight. He touched her belly and his hand seemed to burn through her. He lavished on her body indirect touches and bitter-sweet sensations flooded her brain."

Sometimes less is more....

"So magnified and so keen were her feelings that her inner nerves could even feel the bumps, the ridges, the pimples, the few stray hairs, along the shaft of his male rod."