How to Fight

Know that you can handle the storm in you. You are much more than one emotion.

We know that just by listening deeply we already alleviate a great deal of pain and suffering in the other person.

A person needs to act compassionately within her own frontiers first, before one can think of helping others.

These three sentences can help when you are angry and do not want to be carried away by your anger. The first line is, “Breathing in, I know I’m suffering.” We often don’t realize when we are suffering, and so we become a victim of our suffering. By saying, “Breathing in, I know I’m suffering,” there is suffering but there is also mindfulness of suffering. That makes a big difference.

The second line is, “I know that you are suffering too.” Usually we think that we are the only one who is suffering, that we are the victim of the unkindness or cruelty of the other person. We forget that the other person is also suffering, and that’s why they said or did such things.

The third line is, “I need your help.” We need help because we are suffering. We want to understand what has happened. The other person also needs our help, not punishment. This simple phrase can remind us that we can offer to be a refuge for each other rather than making things worse. We can de-escalate tension and conflict straight away by asking the other person for help.

When someone else offers us an apology, accept it and offer understanding and forgiveness in return

If we can, we should apologize right away and not wait. We can talk to the other person directly, or if they’re not there we can call them on the phone, or even send a note. There is no need to wait until the next time we meet. A straightforward apology can have a powerful effect. We can just say, “I am very sorry. I know I was unskillful. I was not mindful or understanding.” We don’t need to justify or explain what we said or did, we just apologize.

they suffer so much, their suffering spills over on to us and on to others.

you listen with only one aim, and that is to help the other person to suffer less.

Before we listen to another, we need to spend time listening to ourselves.

Listening deeply to another is a form of meditation