Fucking Apostrophes

According to a survey in 2011, the grocer’s apostrophe is the 14th most common cause of heart attacks among grammarians.

Examples:

It’s time to watch Strictly = It is time to watch Strictly.

I’m watching X-Factor = I am watching X-Factor.

You’re an idiot = You are an idiot.

Don’t get omission fucking apostrophes confused with possessive fucking apostroph

Soon the English jumped on the fucking apostrophe bandwagon and opened up a whole new can of worms, with usage changing back and forth over the subsequent centuries. One rule that is most definitely a rule is that a fucking apostrophe always looks like a miniature 9 with the hole filled in.

Mistakes will always be made with fucking apostrophes, especially when it comes to things like attributive nouns and false possessives. My advice is simply to apologise and politely point out to the person correcting you that apostrophes aren’t as fucking simple as they might think they are.

Never use fucking apostrophes to indicate plurals (unless it is unclear otherwise – Do’s and Don’ts)

An attributive noun is a noun that describes another noun, essentially turning it into an adjective, so you don’t need to use a fucking apostrophe.

You should only use fucking apostrophes in dates to show omission (e.g. ’70s = 1970s, although this is increasingly uncommon) or possession (e.g. Keith Chegwin was the 1980s’ greatest sex symbol = Keith Chegwin was the greatest sex symbol from 1980 to 1989. Possibly.).

Plural Nouns
If you’re referring to an object that belongs to more than one person or thing, then you add the s first to make it plural, then the fucking apostrophe.
Examples:
The politicians’ expenses = The expenses of more than one politician.
The politician’s expenses = The expenses of just one politician.

Fucking apostrophes can be used to show that individual people or things are related or belong to something else. These are known as singular possessives, and are shown by adding a fucking apostrophe, then an s.