A Long Time Coming

“And friends only because that mustache has ruined any sexual feeling I might have toward you

“So if I were to, let’s say . . . grow this hair out to be a mullet, what would your thoughts be on that?”

“Pitiful, get your own look

How about favorite candy?”

“Smarties because I’m smart, and I think they make me feel extra clever

“And did you find out anything constructive from these family surveys?”

“Yes.” I nod as I hand him the last few tiles that need to be picked up. “Whenever my uncle Steve decided to take his pants off after dinner, it always led to him doing the invisible hula hoop on top of the cleared-off dining table—which no one relished. I made sure to convey this to the family and Uncle Steve, but unfortunately, I have no control over their behavior. I can only survey what needs to change. Changes are made from within.”

“Uncle Steve sounds like a good time.”

“He had a mustache . . . and he’s known as the pervert in the family. So yeah, maybe you two would get along

“But you don’t seem to have that ability . . . to lie to someone to forsake their feelings

Breaker Cane. It’s nice to meet you. Maybe as you hang out with us more, you can lower yourself to my lack of intelligence on a more personal level.”

What look?” he asks.

“One that’s lacking intelligence.”

“You know, since you have that look.”

“You know, I’ve never had a girl tell me that I possess the uncanny ability to dehydrate the nether regions of the female race with just my facial hair.”

“Your mustache is offensive. I’m pretty sure it would make even the most randy of women go dry.” The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Lack of filter—it’s my downfall.

I wince as his eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. Yeah, I was surprised too, buddy