Kiss Her Once for Me

It’s the ache of wanting something so badly, you will throw yourself down a flight of stairs if you can’t have it. It’s the ache of wanting to risk everything for the smallest chance at something.

It’s a good kind of ache.

I used to think letting more people in would mean having more people who could ultimately disappoint me. Hurt me. Walk out of my life. But having more people means there are more arms at the ready to catch me when I fall. And I fall a lot.

And it’s hard not to believe some part of that was fated, that it wasn’t random chaos that brought us together and trapped us in the city for the entire day. It’s hard not to feel like Jack was created especially for me, and me for her. Some divine being who built her out of hard angles and tough sinew built me out of softer materials, curves and dimpled flesh. Jack is the steadiness to my sway, and I’m the control to her chaos, yet I’m the one who screwed us up.

I stare at the story on her skin, the story I want to read and memorize by heart

I guess maybe that’s how it works in families who love each other unconditionally: you can fight without fear of losing them and be honest without consequences or repercussions.

Was your dream job supposed to bring you joy?

Clinging to the tradition over the years like they cling to each other.

“Okay.” Jack straightens in her chair, unable to wait for my response. Her smile is suddenly mischievous. “Honesty game: What is your favorite Taylor Swift album, and why is it evermore?”

I think marriage is just promising to love someone as long as you can for as best you can. I think relationships can be exactly what they’re supposed to be,” she says, eyes still on the snow, “even if they only last for one year, or five years, or even just for one day. The good parts of the time you spent with a person don’t go away simply because the relationship ends.”

I wait for the alarm bells to go off in my brain. The signal that usually tells me it’s too much, too fast. The alert system that tells me to flee when people get too close before I’m ready.