sloppy writing, childish wording, childish character, all together, I've read the first 3 pages and cringed far to many times. many unnecessary lines make for a poorly written story. predictable as all hell upon reading the whole story. plot is almost nonexistent. if your trying to make people take your writing seriously, please don't use words like melons or horny. especially not after describing a woman. use more sophisticated words. it's as if you expect children to read this.