Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare

about it. If you tell them what you’re most proud of accomplishing, they’ll find ways to diminish your pride and make you feel as if you’re not special – because, of course, only they are allowed to be special and unique.

This devaluation could be disguised as harsh “jokes,” or “brutal honesty,” when they in fact involved verbal abuse, name-calling, condescending sarcasm, a sudden withdrawal of affection, overt or covert put-downs or unhealthy comparisons to others to instill a sense of worthlessness. The devaluation can also be overt and heinous. In my own experiences, during more overt, full-fledged devaluing explosions, there was often a verbally and emotionally abusive argument that would last for hours, followed by false remorse and a glimpse of the narcissist’s sweet false self to pull me back in.

Narcissists are covert, underhanded and incredibly manipulative in the way they devalue their victims. They target both your insecurities as well as what you’re most proud of. It’s a mix of both; if you tell them what you’re most insecure about, they’ll make sure to sneak in a cutting remark at some point about it. If you tell them what you’re most proud of accomplishing, they’ll find ways to diminish your pride and make you feel as if you’re not special – because, of course, only they are allowed to be special and unique.

This devaluation could be disguised as harsh “jokes,” or “brutal honesty,” when they in fact involved verbal abuse, name-calling, condescending sarcasm, a sudden withdrawal of affection, overt or covert put-downs or unhealthy comparisons to others to instill a sense of worthlessness. The devaluation can also be overt and heinous. In my own experiences, during more overt, full-fledged devaluing explosions, there was often a verbally and emotionally abusive argument that would last for hours, followed by false remorse and a glimpse of the narcissist’s sweet false self to pull me back in.

Rather, it is your ability to seek your own validation and move forward into your success, channeling the experiences that were meant to destroy you into your greatest victories, that is appalling to these predators.

The very same techniques that narcissists use on us are the very same ones we must use to get over them.

What occurred to me was that our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists, which is why narcissists work so very hard to diminish these strengths in the first place. I also realized something even more incredible: that the techniques narcissists use against us can also be merged with those strengths to help us transcend and thrive after narcissistic abuse.

When their victims calmly explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable and why, they claim their victims have temper issues, are overreacting to a pattern of abuse and are acting childish - all because their victims attempt to hold them accountable and/or provide a different perspective.

This is gaslighting and projection at its finest. Meanwhile, they engage in narcissistic rage and tend to be immature, close-minded and unable to see anyone else's perspective. Insults, put-downs, name-calling and derogatory language soon follow to regain a sense of control. The narcissistic bully does not disagree respectfully; rather, he or she must make the victim feel as small as possible if the victim dares to challenge the status quo and the false self.

– what was once a “playful” sarcastic comment now becomes frequent emotional terrorism that questions your right to have an opinion that challenges theirs.

Demonstration of unwarranted anger is an incredibly important tactic that abusers use to 1) preserve their self-image and their ego, 2) project blame onto others, 3) take back control by recreating a "version of events" that makes them look superior and saintly and 4) evoke fear and intimidate others into doing what they want.

Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

They will suddenly develop abuse amnesia, where they’ll forget horrific incidents of abuse or deny saying or doing something that they actually did. This allows them to escape accountability, but it’s also a type of crazymaking that enables the abuser to rewrite reality for you and control your reality.