Ana Aluisy

want to clarify that showing empathy or validation does not mean that you agree with your partner about why he or she did something, or that they are allowed to actively hurt your feelings. Having empathy simply means that given your partner’s personality, feelings, thoughts, experiences, and perception about a situation, you could understand why he or she thinks or does what was said or done. In other words that you can put yourself in your partner’s shoes, with their life experience, not yours. This can be challenging, especially when there are many emotions involved, including being hurt by your partner.

Chapter 5
EMPATHY & VALIDATION
“Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It’s the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else’s pain is as meaningful as your own.”
—Barbara Kingsolver
Eduardo and Andrea came into therapy feeling discouraged because despite their efforts to communicate, it seemed like they couldn’t do anything right. Andrea grew frustrated since it seemed like everything she said was wrong according to Eduardo. On the other hand, he was easily angered because it seemed that nothing that he did was enough for Andrea. Both Eduardo and Andrea were feeling invalidated, and they both had difficulty empathizing with each other. Their arguments became a power struggle about who was “right.” The following was one of their initial arguments:
Andrea: Can’t you just show me that you care? I’m tired of feeling insignificant in your life.
Eduardo: Come on! You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Andrea: This is what I mean. I’m trying to tell you how I feel and I can’t even get a word out before you tell me I’m wrong.
Eduardo: This is absurd. I try to show you that I care all the time.
Andrea: You’re wrong! This is not how things are. You ignore my call and texts and come home and fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Even on the weekends when I think that we’re finally going to spend time together, you make plans to play golf with your buddies from work.
Eduardo: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. At least I’m working hard to give you all the nice things you have, instead of partying with other women. Plus, you make your own plans with the kids and don’t include me.
Andrea: You got it all wrong. I only do that because I know you’ll make plans without us. I have to make up for you being absent. How else are they going to feel important?
Eduardo: Are you saying that I’m a bad father? Let’s not go there. You know what, I’m sick of hearing about this. I can’t have this talk right now.
In this previous argument, both Eduardo and Andrea were invalidating, and they also struggle to empathize with each other. They both ended up frustrated and defeated since neither felt understood. Other examples of invalidation that are not included in the previous script are categorized below.
Telling others how to feel or minimizing feelings:
Don’t worry.
Get over it.
Don’t take everything personally.
You can’t be serious.
It’s not worth it.
Don’t be sad/sensitive.
Telling others how to look:
Don’t look so sad.
Don’t make that face.
Smile!
Denying other’s perceptions:
That is ridiculous.
That is not the way things are.
You got it all wrong.
I don’t judge you.
You’re being irrational.
Showing intolerance to what others are saying:
This is getting pathetic.
This is getting really old.

You may be asking yourself: how can I validate my partner if I disagree with them, or their interpretation of events? Keep in mind that validation is not saying that your partner is right and that you’re wrong. It’s simply letting your partner know that given the facts presented, you could understand why he or she arrived at that conclusion. Take a look at the following points to help you better understand what to validate (Fruzzetti 2006):

Validation is about WHAT IS REAL for your partner. Regardless of opinions, what your partner feels or thinks is real for him or her; there is a reason for it in their mind.

SO HOW DO YOU VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER?

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU HAVE BEEN INVALIDATED FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME?

In your efforts to improve your relationship it’s important that you learn to validate yourself, especially if your partner does not know how to validate you.

Try to stay focused on what is and what you CAN do, like the Serenity Prayer! In an ideal world your partner could have acted differently; he or she could put a lot work and effort towards your relationship, but that may not be the case and you may not be able to change this whether you like it or not.

There is a “right” way to feel about every situation.
Letting others know that I’m feeling bad is weakness.
Negative feelings are bad and destructive.
Being emotional means being out of control.
Emotions can just happen for no reason.
Some emotions are really stupid.
All painful emotions are the result of a bad attitude.
If others don’t approve of my feelings, obviously I shouldn’t feel the way I do.
Other people are the best judge of how I am feeling.
Painful emotions are not that important and should be ignored.