My cheapskate girlfriend got us a "discount" couple's massage and we had to go to this weird man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone.

The short guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were like grotesquely soft. So, when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing mashed potatoes and gravy all over you.

It was freakin' disgusting. And he kept cracking his disgusting knuckles on me the whole time... as if it was adding some sensual element to the experience. But it just felt like some school lunch pizza wrapped around a bunch of carrots breaking.

It was sickening.

But I didn't want to disappoint my girlfriend. So, I just laid their face down in that slop.

Oh, and of course they were playing some weird silence of the lambs music.

So, I was just lying there listening to that, trying not to inhale their incense... that smelled like a bunch of amputated civil war feet on fire.

Oh yeah. They made us sign this waiver that we understood it wasn't an "erogenous" experience. So, my girlfriend just signed it and drew a sad frowny face.

:(

Shucks. We were hoping Harry and Marv would be down for some role play. I could play that old guy at the end of the movie who smashes'm in the face with a snow shovel.

Oh, sht, I'm supposed to be telling you about this book. Uhhhh... okay. Arlight. So. This is the official Hatchet Wielding Hitchhikers Guide to Humanity. And once we understand where our species came from, then we can finally also solve the human condition. We can become smarter, faster, stronger, healthier, more youthful, more vibrant, longer living, emotionally blissful, psychologically harmonized, romantically successful, and so much more. But you'll never know unless you read the book... So, you better!

... or else.

Or else I'll tell Harry and Marv where to find you.

Bartrolomew McInncel