Shahida Arabi

Narcissists are covert, underhanded and incredibly manipulative in the way they devalue their victims. They target both your insecurities as well as what you’re most proud of. It’s a mix of both; if you tell them what you’re most insecure about, they’ll make sure to sneak in a cutting remark at some point about it. If you tell them what you’re most proud of accomplishing, they’ll find ways to diminish your pride and make you feel as if you’re not special – because, of course, only they are allowed to be special and unique.

This devaluation could be disguised as harsh “jokes,” or “brutal honesty,” when they in fact involved verbal abuse, name-calling, condescending sarcasm, a sudden withdrawal of affection, overt or covert put-downs or unhealthy comparisons to others to instill a sense of worthlessness. The devaluation can also be overt and heinous. In my own experiences, during more overt, full-fledged devaluing explosions, there was often a verbally and emotionally abusive argument that would last for hours, followed by false remorse and a glimpse of the narcissist’s sweet false self to pull me back in.

about it. If you tell them what you’re most proud of accomplishing, they’ll find ways to diminish your pride and make you feel as if you’re not special – because, of course, only they are allowed to be special and unique.

This devaluation could be disguised as harsh “jokes,” or “brutal honesty,” when they in fact involved verbal abuse, name-calling, condescending sarcasm, a sudden withdrawal of affection, overt or covert put-downs or unhealthy comparisons to others to instill a sense of worthlessness. The devaluation can also be overt and heinous. In my own experiences, during more overt, full-fledged devaluing explosions, there was often a verbally and emotionally abusive argument that would last for hours, followed by false remorse and a glimpse of the narcissist’s sweet false self to pull me back in.

What occurred to me was that our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists, which is why narcissists work so very hard to diminish these strengths in the first place. I also realized something even more incredible: that the techniques narcissists use against us can also be merged with those strengths to help us transcend and thrive after narcissistic abuse.

The very same techniques that narcissists use on us are the very same ones we must use to get over them.

Rather, it is your ability to seek your own validation and move forward into your success, channeling the experiences that were meant to destroy you into your greatest victories, that is appalling to these predators.