Alexis Hall

This is why I like Laurie so much—he has absolutely no culture.

Point is, my dad’s a dick who treated my mum like shit, and now he’s doing this big comeback where everyone’s acting like it’s okay, and it’s not okay, and it fucks me off.”

just sort of aware that anything you wanted to know about me you could Google.”

“Would it be the truth, though?”

I cringed. “Some of it. And not only the good stuff.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my line of work, it’s that ‘some of the truth’ is the most misleading thing you can hear. Anything I want to know about you, I’ll ask.”

You need to go back to being the sort of harmless sodomite that Waitrose shoppers can feel good about introducing to their left-wing friends

and I believe Bridget said you work with dung beetles.”
“I work for dung beetles.” Okay, that didn’t sound much better.

Leaving me to scrape the bottom of the barrel of my GCSE French, for which I’d received a D. “Um…um… Je voudrais aller au cinema avec mes amis? Ou est la salle de bain?”

“It makes you look like entirely the wrong sort of homosexual.”

“Well, the last time I had high standards, the guy dumped me for my best friend.”

“Fine.” He gave me a cold stare. “Give it to me, baby. Give it to me hard.”

Everybody tells you that when you’re young, you think you’ll live forever. What they don’t tell you is that when you’re old, you think the same. It’s just everything starts reminding you that it’s not true.